Hi all how are you today?

My day eventful in so many ways, the book is now on release day, a happy event, years of hard work challenges, a stuburn woman who never gives up and why should I , my family deserves so much more then the hand we have been deblt.

Most days are pretty amazing despite everything, that has happened or been sent our way.

No pictures today my eyes are sad, that is something I just can’t hide.

So much on my mind yet so little I can say, I am ok but also just sad. Maybe sometimes withdrawing into myself is a good thing.

Having family that’s really ill hurts like you wouldn’t believe expressing how you feel not always possible.

I know most of the family will feel the same at this moment.

When people you love are hurting your just unable sometimes to stop the course which you are preparing for,

Maybe this post won’t make much sense to some but I know what I mean and tonight it is just how I feel.

It’s the uncertainty of tomorrow and what it may or may not bring for us, silently hoping for the best but expecting the worse.

The limbo land where things can go either way, this is maybe not just about family but also the book.

Both things are slightly intimidating , the what ifs inside my mind. I spent years in that grey limbo land waiting watching looking for something to take a way the bad, but of course noone can. Not really even myself I can hope for the best outcome but can’t change what is ment to be.

To some extent on something’s I can and I have learnt to except I am not a mircale worker ,

This is me just writing it out trying to recent and focus on the blessings I have my family and I am blessed to have been given a chance to be an author, our life is full of ups and downs,

The thing about writing, it’s communication at its heart, it’s the beginnings of yes many people are excellent at speaking but writing is just you you words thoughts feelings, creativity. Your alone most of the time while you write Another world unless you are working on something with someone. No outside input just you and the tool your thoughts, your pen Or even a simple phone.

Another thing that didn’t help today was the bank , we had the appointment booked for one things were running late Thier, Niki excited about this new step Into adulthood, her own Bank did not go to plan at all, what I can say is that Niki handled a trying situation with such dignity and respect.

What troubled me most was Thier was another lady waiting she was Thier for an hour she lost it, swearing at staff and she was asked to calm down and didn’t Niki seeing this unfold I am on hi alert watching every little thing not only about my daughter but the lady and the staff, and while the staff has a zero tolerance police on verbally abuse I couldn’t help but see this could of been handle differently with more Training for staff on de-excalating and dealing with obviously destressed up set customer. Maybe the lady had lost it before I Thier I don’t know if you take the anger put of it although she came across as aggressive Thier was this primal instinc in me that said she was desperate and vulnerable and needed help, the police were called we all heard them say, take her off the list, and close her accounts she apologized bit the action already taken which made this anger come out again, I can’t bear to see someone so desperate they are on Thier hands and knees begging for them to take her through and help.

Why does this bother me because I am setting up the first independant adult account for my 19 year old autistic daughter, a young woman with the kindest most beautiful heart but still a woman who is autistic , and who has anxiety but also tourettes what would happen to her if she needed to sort something at the bank and a meltdown struck or something gave her a panic attack exasperating her tourettes . Would she be treated the same because everyone always assumes people are aggressive or abusive when sometimes they aren’t it is part of the difficulties they have.

This is a worry for most parents who have kids who are autistic, but having said that will we still go ahead with it, the answer is of course we would of had it sorted today first though it did give Niki anxiety she was shaking so much and the noise was very nearly my daughter’s tipping point thankfully they showed us to a quite room away from the lady before it was to late, Niki expliaing it was shouting that was scary. My daughter for through it but even she agreed with the staff, maybe she doesn’t understand the desperation for help sometimes like I do, I know that feeling when you ask for help and your left waiting heck it happened alot with the schools and when the emotions flooding out that’s a tough one too, people think your automatically angry but your just overwhelmed and want to get something done quickly. The thing is the staff may not have heard or seen her on the phone but she was talking to her son what Thier story is I truly don’t know but she seemed to be trying to calm him down she was Thier to get money for his lunch.

That is what changed her whole demeaner, that’s when it started to get on top of her, it got worse when they asked her to calm but her tipping point was when they said the staff were on lunch.

I Am an observant person because I have to be to make sure my kids don’t get to that point. I would of gladdly waited longer and let her go Infront, but not my decision to make,

If Niki wasn’t with me I would have gone over and just talked to her or listened but then I am Not intimidated by anger.

Got a little off track because my mind was remembering the last on the floor begging to be seen.

No bank account to day because of I.D

We had passport, birth certificate , and insurance number but they wouldn’t except insurance number as documents were ones she got in 2015.

Now we have the issue of trying again and hoping they except Niki’s voting card because she has no bills in her name because she hasn’t started that part of her journey yet, I was appointed Niki’s financial advocate because of her needs we are slowly wanting to try see if she can manage it herself we are going to give it our best try.

That’s if we can get the account. Sorry for rambling on . It helps to release before sleep.

Good night all much love Faye xx