It is not the fear of #failure but an intense fear of #success and all it entails and comes with.

I am used to challenges and struggles, I am used to bad news and schools phoning, I am used to hospital appointments meltdowns and shutdowns.

It has been that way most of my life I am used to helping others sometimes that is detrimental to me, and I don’t mind it not really.

So having written this book I think the thing that is more frightening is if I becomes bigger than I imagine deep down I have a feeling it will.

I know it could and will inhance the work I already do.

I know it could take me on a bigger path and grow a business out of it.

I know because I feel it, I know because I have a simple need to be taken seriously.

I know because it has to happen, life doesn’t always have to be such a struggle to battle demons of past insecurities to do with my hand writting.

I am a very deep thinker sometimes to deep I like seeing and helping others but have held myself back.

I truly don’t know why maybe it is a security thing and that was my safe place where I could hide and not have others pass judgement on me as a person or as a mother.

Sometimes I am alittle irritating I know I irritate myself alot of the time especially when trying a new computer skill I huff and puff occasionally call it a bad word.

Then there is money I can’t believe I have manage to raise half the funds for my GoFundMe campaign I. Just a few months but I have, I don’t know why I have such an issue with not wanting money.

I have never known different, so not having money and not being able to do the things maybe I deserve and my kids and hubby deserve is truly hard.

But also the other part of me wants my children to learn if they want something it is not handed to them but they work hard for it they find what they are good at and turn it into a passion something that makes them feels like they worked and earned it.

To give them self confidence and self worth.

But maybe that is partly wrong as well maybe deep down I don’t feel I have worked hard enough or achieved the right balance quite yet.

What I do not now is there is no turning back on what is destined to happen because I do have alot to offer, my family, my work,  my job but also me the person I have something or maybe someone that wants this to happen just as much as I do I just don’t want to lose that one thing that is irreplaceable to me to get there.

Because that is the one thing I deserve the most my soul to be repaired my heart to be truly open and exposed to happier times thoughts and feelings

A possitive to a truly remarkable future.

I different more peaceful type of business that comes from doing what I love most and that is simply loving life again..the hardest part of the journey that got thrown apon us out of nowhere was losing myself…

A lot of you have met me after I became stronger and more like myself again, I did fall and fall hard I hated that I couldn’t change the circumstances that were beyond my control.

I lost about three stone of weight,. My smile I was hiding behind in attractive baggy clothes not making an effort.

Because I felt I didn’t deserve better because I could not stop others from hurting my kids.

I could not stop them being excluded and treated badly no matter how much I stood up for them it fell on deaf ears.

This is the hard part of sharing but I think now it’s time one day I broke I couldn’t turn to anyone especially the people I loved the most I got up and just walked not really a great distances but sitting on a grass very by a busy road (don’t worry I was about to hurt myself)

But sitting there just really crying I don’t think I have ever cried that much my whole life.

I was looking all ways I was over whelmed with a very sudden Sence that my family would be better or get better if I wasn’t around.

I must of been there an hour I really worried all my family but I surpose I just needed space to know what I wanted for me aswell.

They say we all come to a point in life where we hit a split in the road and it’s a personal decision which road we take the easy road alone or the hard one but instead of seeing it as a hard one stay with your family and make the road easier.

Make it easier by working on you feelings your self make yourself healthier work harder but smarter.

Learn to say no sometimes and not feel racked with guilt.

We are what we are at anyone given moment accept what is and change what isn’t ment to be.

Live kindly give love freely show compassion and care to all you do.

Reach out with your voice and your hand to show your true heart your soul your essence if you get regected you get up and you try again.

Take pride in yourself so others around you see and take pride in them too.

Allow a helping hand even if it is not the way you expect and hope for be truly gratefull for tiny blessings that happen.

This is me a stronger me I was and am a good wife and mum.

Know one is allowed to make me feel I am not just because my children are unique and perfect the way they are

Now my biggest challenge is learning to deligate and not take everything on my shoulders, that way I can work on changing and creating a better life.

A life our family disserves.

 

Thanks guys for reading share I you felt. My heart by reading this

Love Faye

 

 

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